Wednesday, May 15, 2002

2 Days

Again, only 2 days later, I return to the keyboard. What has changed? I could bore with the facts, but what difference do facts make anymore. The growing incertitude and imminent failure casts a dark shadow on my otherwise tranquil state of mind. I wouldn't say it has any effect, but, having it always there, in the back of my head, tickling the deepest insides of my conscience, doesn't make for a very reassuring time. And the eternal struggle between willpower and guilt still reigns my motivation, rendering it almost completely useless and just strong enough not to let me fall into a long and uninterrupted period of comatose slumber.
But onto merrier things, it rained today, 10 days into the month of May, the clouds decided to spill their tears onto our dry hair. To no avail I tried to explain the serene wonders of rainfall and the romanticized view of raindrops on your window. I guess after one too many rains, it becomes an abominable wet curse rather than a refreshing spring shower. I'll take rain over wind any day of the week. I think wind is what makes any type of weather even worse than what it is. I'm not talking about a cold and pleasant breeze, I'm talking about wind. The type that makes a sunny winter morning into a snowstorm, or a hot summer afternoon into a dry, stir-fry oven.
And like wind, a thousand thoughts pass through my mind, and only the worst, the most boring and the least appealing manage to escape from my lips. Maybe if I was one to talk to myself, I would say smarter things, but then again, that would be rather redundant seeing as I somehow ended up having a pretty developed (or at least so I hope) internal narrative.
Then I manage once again to pick up the discussion of cause and effect, thinking that maybe one bad thing leads to a good one, which wouldn't have been accomplished without the occurrence of the first one. Then this leads to the question of value. Was it worth sacrificing the first thing in order to obtain the second? Wouldn't the consequence of the bad one's inexistence have been more favorable compared to the second's imminent appearance? Then I solve this existential dilemma by concluding that they are both of the same value, and having done one or the other would have made no difference what so ever in the stream of incidents that form one's life.

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