Friday, August 17, 2001


I've been through stranger things, and although I've seen it happen before, from the opposite side, I never wanted, thought or am willing to admit that it's happening from this side. Maybe it's all an illusion I was made to believe by too much Hollywood exposure or literature, but I can't help it. Now, am I to blame? My peers? Maybe the other side? I don't know. I was taught to always blame myself. It was a form of humility. Whether good or not, I am not one to choose, but I know this, it sure isn't making me peaceful. Maybe some day I'll reach that, but for now I'm stuck with this, and don't get me wrong, I'm trying to make the best of it. Sure, it isn't what it could have been, but then again, there is not much chance for that seeing that the situation has been clearly painted on the wall for a while. Which, in itself, isn't bad since it saved me some trouble, but there is always that damned itch that keeps digging away at the back of your mind making you wake up at night.

And the same scenario keeps reoccurring before my closed eyes of that perfect couple that meets that certain someone from their past and learns something they shouldn't and all of a sudden they're not a perfect couple anymore. But then you compare it to the other image, of that person who hurried to leave the old-timer for the newtimer when they learned of the old-timer's true motives. It's those two conflicting but yet equal scenarios that keep digging at the back of your head, both representing fear, one of what might never happen, and the other of what could it become, one of unaccomplished hopes, the other of ruined accomplishments.

The first scenario prevails for now, since we are taught a whole apple of acceptable taste is better than half an apple with the taste you crave for. Of course it is better to have the half than rather a whole rotten one, but that is besides the point. When you really come to think about it, is not what you may or may not think, but what you want, and if what you want is different than what you think, you might just as well have to lie to yourself in order to accomplish that. As the movie goes, it all ends up in a good way, and if you're right, what you want will soon make you forget what you think, soon you'll learn to distance yourself from the past, and embrace the present, and seeing you never acted upon your thoughts, if the past ever comes back to hunt you, it won't be as bad since we tend to remember actions better than thoughts. And if you don't act, it never happened, you never thought it, you were never there, end of story, book closed, only the sweat at night remain.

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