Friday, March 12, 2004


Lost everything. Black shades. Don’t know. I overdose on lack of information. I crawl to my former home – only to find the door locked. Trapped. Dark. Alone. Impossibility in the face of loss makes for a grim friend and a dangerous enemy. Forced smiles. Betrayal. Knowledge. Waiting. Disappearing. Pity.
A dark beginning – leading to no end. Paper, Plastic, Tears, Fingers.
A sad smile. A touch of denial. Lies. Paranoia. Deceit. CONTACT. Departure, disappearing impossibility while blinks of letters stream in the wrong direction. Knowledge. Ignorance is bliss on any other day but not in this lifetime. Lost. Faith – hope – white – light. Shadows.
Ugly secrets. Denial. Mistakes. Fall and get up. And fall again. Black and white smudges on a transparent piece of paper. Games with no rules, and rules for everyone to follow. Dark emotions. Wishes of disaster. Hurt the ones you love, and love the ones you hurt. Pain. Distasteful passion. Dispassionate feelings. Colorful mask of a transparent gaze.
Broken words or sentences in the insensibility of my sense of the words. Slipping into childish games without the knowledge of how to play them I never played anything. Screaming has become so passé, so I won’t do that. Try more smiles. Melancholy is really not helping or helped ever since ages ago I forgot how to do it. I forgot the meaning. I think it’s bad. It all is reduced to simple negative and positive concepts. Every word. Nothing in between. Where are all those shades of gray I used to be able to observe everywhere. I guess I fell in a hole or another, broken bridges dangling in the air over the echoing abyss.
Dreamt again tonight.
I thought dreams would be a pleasant change from the everyday blackness of sleep.
They’re not. It’s not about nightmares. It wasn’t a nightmare (but maybe it should have been?)
The heat must be messing with my head. I wake up sweating, I dream of nice things only to wake up sweating and realize they never happen. In a sense, I wake up to the nightmare.

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